Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize