I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
