i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
