I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
