I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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