i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
