I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
