her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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