I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
