Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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