I'd wear matching sweaters with you
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
