We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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