That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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