wakey wakey hands off snakey
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
