we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
