I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize