who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
