Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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