wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
They left me at home... I'm a liability
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
