I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
