Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
