It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
