Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
