Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
