if you like me you must not know who I am
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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