Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
