here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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