i dont even know how to be here
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
