just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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