I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
