Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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