He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
