just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
