Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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