when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
