When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
