i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
