OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
