***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Can you bring me the toilet please
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize