Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize