im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
