I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
