I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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