I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
