this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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