No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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