i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize