i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
