He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
