angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
