i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
