You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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