i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
