I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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