If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize