I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
