The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
