fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
