Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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