The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My liver just had a heart attack.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
where are my pants?
in the oven.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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