I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
