o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
