Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
