Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
