You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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